I’m married to someone who treats me very good except for when it comes to one thing, and that’s monogamy. Whether he’s actually physically cheated or not, I don’t know. There’s been countless evidence that he’s having inappropriate relationships (they seem mostly emotional) with other females. Text messages, late-night phone calls, emails, etc. I’ve confronted him about this on numerous occasions, yet he continues to do it while denying that anything has ever happened with any of these women. His behavior has been very destructive to my self-esteem and has turned me into someone I am not.
Will I be able to resume a normal life with him if he ever stops, or is it doomed now that I’ve lost so much trust in him?
And when is enough, enough? If he didn’t treat me as good as he did, I feel as though I would have left by now. But, I know that’s no reason to stay either. My parents live right down the road and would let me move in in a heartbeat, so it’s not that I’m staying out of convenience. I really do love him. It’s just that this is both of our first marriages, and the last thing I’d want to do is go through a divorce.
He’s just not respecting my wishes to stop this behavior, and that makes me feel as if he doesn’t respect me or our relationship.
You say he treats you “so good”. What’s your definition of “so good”, exactly? I don’t care how many foot rubs I’m given, my definition doesn’t include texts, late-night calls and emails to other women. Not even close. I believe that cheating is cheating, physically or emotionally, online or in-person.
A bit o’ trivia: I’ve heard that men would be more upset to hear that their wife is cheating physically, but women would be more upset to hear that their husband is cheating emotionally. This seems about right, but true or not, it’s all the same when infidelity hurts a person and the relationship as a whole.
I don’t understand why you wonder if you’ll be able to resume a normal life with him and trust him IF he stops. That could be tomorrow, or that could be never, but you need to deal with this right now! If you’ve repeatedly confronted him about it, and he hasn’t stopped, he doesn’t respect your wishes, and personally, I think it shows that he doesn’t truly respect you. Do you think he treats you wonderfully because of what he’s doing on the side? And is he buttering you up for his own self-justification and a way for him to alleviate his guilty, aching stomach?
Emotional cheating, by a man or woman, is a definite act of betrayal, and people have their specific reasons for doing it. Essentially, it shows that for some reason one person doesn’t feel emotionally fulfilled by their partner, so they find it in someone else. Maybe it’s his insecurity, or maybe he has lost the ability to confide in you with some issues. In that case, you need to prove to him that he can, in fact, talk to you and open his heart to you. Your open heart and ear* may be all he’s missing.
*Don’t actually give him your ear and Gogh** all Van Gogh on him.
**Ha! See what I did there?
Another reason he could be sneaking around is that he’s just a perv trying to get his kicks in a non-STD kind of way. But, let’s just assume that there’s more to it and move on.
Don’t let your husband run all over you, as you shouldn’t run all over him. You’re in a marriage. This means two people who love, respect, and are honest with each other. This doesn’t mean one man, one wife, and other women as he sees fit who will fill a void in his life.
I think he needs a wakeup call. If you can get him to do it, marriage counseling might be your best option if you just aren’t able to get through to him, but want nothing more than to be with him.
Of all the people in the world, you should be able to trust your life in your husband’s hands. Over time, trust can be rebuilt, but unless you can get Will Smith to flashy thing you, you’re not going to forget it. You know yourself better than anyone – will you trust him again if he finally upholds that first husband and wife promise to you to make you his one and only?
Note: This is obviously coming from a woman’s perspective. (That woman would be me. Hear me roar.) If there are any men out there who can offer some clarification as to why a man might emotionally cheat (or maybe you’ve done it yourself), please throw it in the comments section. I’d love to hear from you.
Another thing: I’m very aware that women have emotional and sexual affairs also.
Related Post: Are the Good Times Worth the Lack of Commitment?