She Married A Total Jerk, But It’s Still Hard to Leave

Sarah, 

I am 51 years old, my husband 55. I have been separated for 1yr 4months.  We met in Dec. 1999, moved in 2001, married in 2004. In 2001 he sent a waitress roses.  I forgave him.  Four months later I found out he was seeing his ex-wife and talking about going back to her.  We were engaged and looking to buy a house. His adult children knew about this and encouraged it. After two months, I gave him yet another chance. From late 2001 to June 2008, everything was good. He has left four times since his stroke in 2008. He lost his ability to speak, but has regained about 20% of his speaking ability. The first time he left, he and his daughter told me to meet them at the park after I got off work. He had loaded his truck and taken more than half of our money in the bank – with his daughter’s help.  Last time he left (the fourth time) was because he was texting a younger girl. Later I found phone numbers of women.  He made a pass at my sister during my father’s fight with brain cancer. He wants to come home, just like the other times.

During our separation, he has flirted with his ex-wife, spent the night at her house (his adult children encouraged it) but nothing happened, according to his grandson. I trust this grandson.  His van got stolen.  Actually, after helping him with his insurance claim, it was reported as unauthorized use of vehicle.  He had picked up two girls and taken them to his motel room. He was staying with his mom, about 35 miles out of town.  I was visiting my grandkids in New Jersey when this happened.  His response to his daughter’s question after being asked, “What do you want for Christmas Dad?” was, “Your mom”.  I have been a faithful wife, until January of 2011. I have paid all the bills since his stroke and about 2/3 of bills before his stroke.  His money is his own.

All these times he has said that he is sorry. We haven’t divorced yet and he wants to come home.  Christmas of 2010 I ran into an old school friend at the supermarket. We have been seeing each other.  He is going through a divorce, and his wife is bi- polar. My old school friend was left with nothing, not even a car. My husband does not know about this friend/boyfriend.  I want a divorce, but now can’t bring myself to tell him, plus I will be losing some of our assets – my security for old age.

I need to hear an objective person’s opinion.  Please reply soon.

 

 

Let’s pretend I’m one of your girlfriends, and we’re just hanging out when you tell me this story.  Let’s also pretend that you know me well enough that when I scream this next rant at you, you’re only thinking, “Sarah is just looking out for my best interest.  She’s not trying to offend me or make me angry”.  I’ll try and refrain from waving my finger around during this outburst.

Why don’t you just tell it like it really is?  For eight years you’ve been married to a lying, cheating scumbag who uses you and only comes back into your life when it’s beneficial to him.  He is no good for you.  Honestly, I don’t think he’s good for any woman.  Though I wish you’d done it earlier, it’s time for you to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.  Who cares that he wants to come back home?  It’s only because he’s back in a rut and knows that you’ll take care of him.  All of the times he’s said he’s sorry should mean nothing to you.  They certainly don’t mean a thing to him.

You deserve better than this, and I have a feeling that your current boyfriend has made you feel appreciated and has helped to build the self-esteem your husband stomped all over.  You don’t have to tell your husband anything about your boyfriend.  It’s only going to make him want to leave you immediately or make him want to stay married to you that much more.  I wouldn’t roll the dice on that one.

As far as your financial situation goes, I can’t say either way. You and your boyfriend may struggle for a little bit before you’re back on your feet, but, I’ll tell you what:  The sanity and dignity you’re going to amass from this divorce is probably going to be worth a lot more than any assets you may lose in the process.

I don’t know what’s holding you back from leaving this “man”, but don’t let him come back just because it’s what he wants.  Don’t let him win.  You need to stick up for yourself and start over with someone who wants you around not because of what you can provide him, but because he loves you.

Pull together every bit of strength you have inside yourself and tell him that it’s over.  And mean it!  You know you can do this.

 

2 comments

  1. I hope I don’t sound mean but seriously? Have you heard of this saying…Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me? Get out of that toxic relationship and move on.

  2. Her husband is controlling and manipulative. I’ve known men like that and they just don’t change. I really hope she divorces him.

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