Husband’s Ex-Wife and Kids…and His Money

Sarah,

 

Here is my concern-

My new husband’s ex is not a nice woman. At the beginning of mine and my husband’s relationship she managed to convince their two children that I was the reason for their divorce. (I met him after they were separated.) They wanted nothing to do with me. After being together for about a year, my husband (boyfriend at the time) made his ex sit down with his children and tell them that she was the one who asked for the divorce because she had a boyfriend and was planning to have a relationship with him after the divorce. This man broke it off with her shortly after he found out she was getting divorced,  still I never even met the two kids until we were together almost three years.

After almost four years together we have now gotten married. My children are grown and I never received any alimony from my first marriage. My husband pays an astronomical amount of child support to this woman. His oldest is 19 and attends a university that my ex did not agree to because it is way too expensive. In the divorce it states it must be a mutual agreement or both parties are not responsible for the cost. It is pride on his ex’s part (she attended there and it is associated with Harvard) so she lied on the forms and stated that my husband pays no child support so that her daughter could qualify for grants and loans. My husband pays out approximately 2,200 a month to his ex for the mortgage, all of her CC bills and we pay their cell phone bills.

He is self employed and there are some months we can barely get by. I have sacrificed and not gone for a professional hair cut/ or color in four years (I do it myself) along with shopping at second hand stores for clothes and anything else I can do to get by.  We live in a tiny apartment and I have no bills.  I came from a previous marriage where my ex made over $125,000/yr and I had everything I wanted. It hasn’t been too hard to adjust and I am so happy with my new husband.

What I am struggling with is that his ex is telling her children that their father is a dead beat dad and not doing what he needs to be to support them. He does not have to let them stay in that house nor does he have to pay any of their bills. He could just give them the 800.00 a month in child support and let her suffer. He is a good father and does way too much for them. The ex never buys them even the essentials they may need as far as winter boots, coats, shampoo, conditioner and the daughter in college calls her father to pick her up from college all of the time to come home on the weekends in which he does just so he can spend time with her. She then manipulates him to take her shopping every time and spend at least $50.00 every time.

It angers me because this last weekend it all blew up in front of the kids when he went to pick them up to spend the weekend with us and his ex made an ugly scene and called him dead beat and the kids refused to come over. His daughter then had the nerve to text him and tell him he needed to stop wasting his money and give more to his ex. That I had to get a job (I work with him in mold remediation instead of him hiring out the work) and shame on us for going on a cruise for our honeymoon,  which I paid for out of the money I got from the sale of my home with my ex.  Not only did I pay for that, but I also paid for two back house payments of his ex’s and kids house payment because business was so slow for two months in July/August so they would not lose their home. They do not know this but they wouldn’t care if they did because they are so selfish.

I am afraid this is all going to blow so out of control that I am going to lose it and leave. My children live 2,200 miles away from me and I have a grandbaby that I want to see. I sacrifice everything and have given up by moving here for him to be by his kids until his son is out of HS and I am starting to regret it and really hate his kids because of how they are.

What am I supposed to do??

 

It sounds to me that your husband is so terrified of losing his children that he compensates by going completely overboard in his attempts to be a good father – or at least what he thinks they think is a good father.

His kids are old enough to know better than to take advantage of their father, and I’m sure they’ve learned it from their mother.  Excuse me while I pull up my sleeves and punch at my keyboard while I write these next sentences:  What kind of mother would lie about their financial situation to qualify for free money, knowing damn well her daughter is only going to learn from her actions?  And then suckering her ex-husband into this whole financial scheme she’s created?  Ugh.

Either way, you entered into this marriage because you love him.  You should make sacrifices to him, not his children.  You’ve gone out of your way to be the better person and allow him to do what he feels he needs to, but how far out of his way is he going for you?  It’s completely unfair.  You do have a life of your own that does not include his children, and you have every right to live that life.

He’s the only person in this situation who will be able to change anything.  Not his ex.  Not his kids.  They’ll take from him as long as he’s willing to give.  Whether he’s aware of that or not doesn’t matter.  He needs to cut his daughter off, or at least give her enough to just make it by.  (You know, kind of like how you’re just making it?)  He should pay his wife the court agreed child support and not a penny more.  If his son in high school needs something, he can then go to his father.

You need to remind him that YOU and your children matter also and that you deserve every bit of attention –emotionally, physically and financially – that he’s giving to people who don’t even appreciate it.  I’m sure he’s a wonderful man, but he needs to step up, and you’re going to have to help him.  Sure, his kids will probably be angry with him for a little bit, but you know what?  They’ll get over it once they realize their father is a lot more than just a wallet.

3 comments

  1. Thanks a bunch, Miranda!

    Yeah, Chuck, you’re probably right about that! Although you just never know how teens will react to anything. Well, all people for that matter. 🙂

  2. Best reason I can think of to pare it back is the realization that he could double what he’s doing now and it still wouldn’t be enough. He needs to realize that it works the other way too… Their always peeved with him now- therefore paying less doesn’t have much opportunity to create new aggravation.

  3. Wow, awesome job Sarah! Great advice on a very difficult situation. I agree with you 100%.

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