Are the Good Times Worth The Lack of Commitment?

Sarah, 

I’ve been dating a guy for a year now. He’s afraid of commitment, and to this day he says he does not want to put a label on our relationship. We spend about four nights a week together, and we have a lot of very deep conversations in which we both share things we’ve never shared with anyone.

We relate well to each other. We both struggle with depression and other things. He says he loves me and that he’s never said that before. I struggle because I get jealous.

I’ve seen him talking to some very untrustworthy people and there have been times he’s said he would want to date other people if he were to meet someone he found interest in. To this day he says he has not been seeing anyone. As far as our sex life goes, we were very active when we first started dating. Lately though, he says he’s too tired.

My question is: Am I oblivious to something? Am I doing something wrong? I never freak out on him, and I keep it to myself, but I do tell him that this bothers me.  It’s hard, but he always manages to make me wonder why I even brought it up. I wouldn’t be so afraid if I knew we were actually a couple, but I don’t understand how you can tell someone you love them and that you truly care about them, but not want to be a couple. I have the most amazing time with him.  I am always happy when we’re together, and we have a great time, but on the days we’re not together, I go crazy with questions in my head. He can be so “hot and cold.”

I can’t figure out if the wonderful times we have together are worth how I feel when we’re not together.

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My first thought after reading this is that you probably have trust issues.  It’s possible that yes, you are worrying and thinking about this too much.  Why do you get jealous?  And, are you sure he’s talking to “untrustworthy people”, or is it just your suspicions leading you to believe this?

A couple of questions:

Question #1:  Because you struggle with depression, have you ever found yourself questioning other relationships in the same manner?  Yes?  Then ask yourself why you let your insecurities and jealousy get in the way of good things.  You’re happy when you guys are together because you have complete control over your situation.  You become crazy when you’re separate because your mind becomes overwhelmed with what-if’s and who-if’s.  Unless he gives you a reason to question his trust, just trust him!  You may be pushing him away with your insecurities and false productions, and that could be the cause for lack of sexual intimacy.  Stop here if you answered yes to this question.  Your question has been answered.

I SAID STOP HERE.

Question #2: Since I think his “fear of commitment” is a cop out, do you feel like he’s controlling or manipulative?  Yes? Read on.

I don’t agree with him telling you he loves you but still wants to date other people as he sees fit.  That’s far too much of a mental you-know-what (the ‘f-word’ if you-don’t-know-what) for anyone to take.

He could be saying everything you want to hear so that you remain confused and clueless as to how he really feels, but there shouldn’t be uncertainty.  You deserve to know exactly where you both stand.

Healthy and lasting relationships thrive on truth and cooperation from both sides.  One side doesn’t get to make the rules. You’re a team.  So, even if you feel that keeping your confusion to yourself is the best option, it’s not.  Lay it all out there.  If you want to be monogamous with him, but he can’t tell you the same, move on!

There’s absolutely no agreeing to disagree on that subject.

Oh!  And this whole thing about him being “too tired” for sex after only one year of being together?  That’s a load of bull honkey.  If there haven’t been any huge shifts that have affected parts of his life, you need to have a major sit-down with him and find out what it is that’s making him so tired.

All in all, trust your instincts.  If the relationship doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.

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Related Post: Men and Emotional Affairs.

4 comments

  1. I say move on . if he loved you and wanted to be with you, he wodlun’t be needing the freedom to go out with other women he might find interesting. That’s just a way to keep you there for when he wants you there and stay single. Move on, Sister!!

  2. I do have a lot of insecurities and I do question other relationships. I talked to him a few days ago and he is still not on board with being a couple but he has been asking me to go with him to meet the rest of his family (He took me to one side of his family for Thanksgiving and Christmas) which again, I find very contradictory. As far as the “untrustworthy people” part, I don’t know, I find them untrustworthy only because he continues to text them a lot even when we are together and he is always quick to hide or cover his phone- that part is obvious and I’m not exaggerating that. I also say untrustworthy because there are numbers that he texts but will never save in his phone yet he has been texting them for awhile. He has never mentioned these people before and I pretty much know all of his friends he texts them A LOT!
    I do have trust issues and there are so many reasons why I was abused as a kid by someone very close which has always freaked me out and I have been cheated on a few times, I am a perfectionist so I have a tendency to judge them based on that, and it’s hard for me to trust people because I am constantly worried about what they might do and how bad it will hurt.
    Still I can’t say he is not honest with me because hell, he is honest enough to tell me he doesn’t want to be a couple I have never caught him lying at all. I talk to him a lot about how I feel and afterwards I always feel much better but then a week will go by and I’m back questioning things. Again, I think you’re right a lot of it is my jealousy and insecurity but I wonder how much of it is because of me and how much of it is him. It is just so confusing and yes I know I have some issues I need to work on and have been. Back to the sex life, It is much better and I am very happy with that. I feel like we have all the aspects of a relationship but we just aren’t in a relationship and its odd. I also enjoy that when I get really depressed or upset he says it just isn’t a problem for him. He is there to talk to me and help and it never seems to bother him.

  3. I say move on…. if he loved you and wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t be needing the freedom to go out with other women he might find interesting. That’s just a way to keep you there for when he wants you there…and stay single. Move on, Sister!!

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