I have been separated for almost a year now. My wife and I kind of got back together in July, but it didn’t work out and she ended up with another man.
Three months later she left him and now she wants to work things out with me, but I am now very guarded. Should I jump right back into being with her or let her go?
Let’s play a fun game of 20 Questions, except you decide when you get the answer right. Why were you guys going through a separation in the first place? Did you allow yourself to date during the separation? If so, how did it feel? Are you going to hold any resentment towards your wife because she dated another man, and are you secure enough with that fact that you won’t constantly remind her of him and push her away? Can you truly trust her? Can she trust you? Do you still feel the same way you once did about her? Do you WANT to be with her again? Do you love her enough to work through whatever it was that caused the initial separation and absolutely put everything behind you?
You’re guarded now because there is a big, ugly monster standing in front of you dangling a mobile of sad memories from this relationship. Let’s name him: first name: Fear, middle name: Of, second middle name: Being, last name: Hurt. Can you be sure it won’t happen again? You can’t, really, but, you can guard yourself with garlic and a crucifix. (He’s actually a vampire.)
Each relationship and separation is obviously different with so many factors playing their own part, but one thing is universal: compassion and love are reasons to be together, convenience is not. You were married, separated, went for it a second time, and it didn’t work. If there is going to be any finger pointing or arguing that will only lead to another separation, how many times are you willing to go through it?
So, you’ve only given yourself two options: 1.) Jump back into it, and 2.) Let her go. Remember, you also have the option of taking it one day at a time. If you guys truly want to restore this relationship, and each of you can be grown-ups and accept some responsibility, I say try it again. (*Go over your answers in our game of Not-Actually-20 Questions and see how you feel. If it isn’t so bad, continue on. If you just yelled at your TV dinner, move on to the next paragraph.*) Try going on dates again. Pretend it’s for the first time. Try to remember those feelings you felt about each other before the word separation became more than something you only read about in celebrity news.
*Learn how to cook a real meal.
I know this may be a tough decision for you to make, but I honestly hope this helps you start taking small steps in the right direction.