My husband confessed to texting and talking to a sales woman that visited our business for about a month. He admitted that the conversation didn’t get serious until about a week before he spilled his guts. We’ve been married 18 years – together a total of 25.
The last couple of years were a bit rough because I had gained some weight and didn’t feel good about myself and didn’t want any affection from him. He grew up a in a more touchy-feely home and mine was more reserved. He did express frustration with me, but I never would have guessed he’d consider striking up a relationship with someone else. Other than the past couple of years, things have been great and I thought we both enjoyed our life with our 3 kids. Silly me. I just am devastated by what happened and not sure if I can get over it. At one point he wanted to leave me and the kids and this just blows my mind that he fell so hard for another woman so quickly. I genuinely feel that maybe he didn’t love me enough in the first place. It’s been about 5 months now and I still can’t seem to forgive and trust. He has been trying to mend things back together, but my gut says that he still feels something for the other person to have wanted to leave me after all our years. He’ll say that he felt so neglected from me and this is what drove him to an emotional affair. Weak in my mind. Ugh. Would appreciate your thoughts.
I guarantee he didn’t fall for this woman because he’s actually in love with her. He fell for her because she was a woman giving him the affection that you weren’t. And still aren’t?
I know you feel a lot of pain and anger because of what he did. He never should’ve let it get to the point of interest in someone else before opening up to you with his feelings. However, you denied him two years of affection. That’s a long time for anyone in a marriage. Whether it’s physical or emotional attention, not receiving it from the one you love will make you feel as though the one you love doesn’t really love you back. You’re frustrated with his actions, but also understand how frustrated he feels with the lack of yours.
You know, last week a woman told me about a book called The Five Love Languages. I have to admit, I haven’t read it, and I should, but the explanation that was given to me is enough for me to throw this out there. It’s perfect timing for you, actually.
So, everyone has their own way or ways of loving and needing to be loved. These five ways are: quality time, words of affection, gifts of love, physical touch and acts of service. You’ve been with your husband for 25 years. Think about the ways in which he has always showed you he loves you. Does he take the day off of work to spend with you and the kids? Does he buy you things? Does he rub your shoulders and hug on you? Does he do the dishes or run you a bath when you’re tired and need to relax? Does he look you in the eye and tell you he loves you?
Now, take the form of love he shows you and do the exact same thing for him. He will experience a surge of understanding of your appreciation for him because that’s how he knows love. Genius, isn’t it?
We’ve all grown up in different ways, and while we were being taught how to say “Da-Da”, we were also being taught how to love. You say his family was all about physical touch. (I’m the same way and would feel totally undesired if out of the blue my husband stopped giving me his amazing morning hugs.) Regardless of how you feel in your own skin, don’t forget about him in his skin. You may not feel sexy and want anyone’s paws groping you, but he does. You may not want to be complimented or lovingly looked at, but he does want to feel that someone sees him that way. And shouldn’t he feel that from his wife?
He was honest with you when it really mattered, and his threat of leaving you was most likely only a threat to get you to open your eyes to how he was – and probably still is – feeling. Listen to what he’s trying to tell you. He’s trying to make this work. If it means changing things about yourself in order to better your marriage, work on those things. You’re holding on to issues that will prevent your relationship from ever mending. Forgive him and move on.
It’s obvious he loves you.
Love him back.