Sarah Sideways

Sarah, 

I am the youngest of three.  Both of my older siblings suffer from anxiety and depression. Lately I have been thinking about cutting myself because I wonder what it would be like. I’m too afraid though so I just scratch myself. When I cry, the pain makes me stop.  Do you think I possibly have depression?

Though it doesn’t happen all the time, mental health issues can absolutely be passed on through family members.  To me, your actions only solidify the fact that you absolutely need to speak to someone about how you’re feeling.  There are many reasons why you may be having these thoughts of self-injury, but only a licensed therapist will be able to determine them for you.

If you don’t feel comfortable going directly to your parents, please speak to a counselor at school.  That’s what they’re there for.  They will not judge you, but they’ll be able to help you along the way to informing your parents, and getting the medical attention and possible medication that you need.

It’s extremely important that you get help now.  Don’t wait any longer.  These feelings and thoughts you’re having usually only worsen, and that’s no way to live life.  You will get beyond this, and you’ll find that there is a lot of love and help out there for you.  You just have to ask for it.

Sarah, 

Hi! I have a huge problem, and I go to a small school, which makes it worse.

Me and this guy have dated in the past but decided just to be friends until we were more mature.  (We are really good friends.) We just started dating in secret about a month ago, and last week my best friend revealed to me that she liked him since kindergarten.  I really do like this guy and do NOT want to breakup with him, but my best friend is like my sister and I don’t want to crush her. To break up with this guy would mean me crushing myself and him, and if my best friend ever did date him it would break my heart knowing that I had given him up for her.

Sorry it’s rather confusing, but please help!!

First of all, high-five, low-five, behind the back, fist-bump, blow it up, and props to you for waiting until you were older to start dating!

Now, I’m not sure whether you mean you’re keeping the secret from your best friend or just from everyone else, but she knows you pretty well, right?  I guarantee she at least suspects that you’re dating him.

Honestly, to me it sounds like she’s being sneaky.  How come you JUST found out that she’s liked this guy for so many years?  A little strange, isn’t it?  It’s possible she’s jealous that you’re dating him, so she’s telling you she likes him to hopefully make you feel bad about it.

If she really liked him before, she would have told you at some point in your friendship.  She also had the chance to let him know.  You don’t want to lie to her to spare her feelings, and you don’t want to break up with him to spare her feelings.  That isn’t fair to anyone in this triangle.  Let her know that you truly are sorry if it upsets her, but that you really like this guy and you are going to continue dating him.  Also let her know that if you knew prior to being with him that she was interested in him, you would have run it by her first.  I know you don’t want to hurt her, but you obviously aren’t going to leave him, so being open with her is really your only option.

He likes you.  You like him.  You two are the ones that should be together, don’t you think?

***I received a very similar question just a few weeks ago, and it’s amazing how just a little more maturity (in your letter compared to the last one) and a few different aspects of the situation make me think in an entirely different way.  However, please read this past post also…though the answer is completely different, there may also be advice in there that could help you.  http://sarahsideways.com/2012/03/teen-asks-should-i-date-a-guy-my-best-friend-likes/

Sarah, 

I like this K-9 police officer and he is married, but I am not trying to intervene into his marriage. I do respect him and like him as a friend.  He will chat with me a few times or say good morning.  I had noticed that twice he did not say anything to me.  I did not understand why.  Was he having some kind of issues that he could not talk to me?  Sometimes he is very distant and acts shy. He can be outspoken when he wants!  He is Dominican and I am black and I am learning about Latin men.  I have never dated a Latin man. I had asked him two years ago if he was married and he answered “Yes, but to remove the weight.”  I really want to know what that means…just curious.  Any advice?

Thank you.

I’m pretty sure he said, “Yes, but I want to remove the weight”, which means that he’s not happy and wants to divorce his wife.  But, guess what?  Two years later, and he’s still married.  Oh, and guess what also?  You’re not his wife.

If you’re so interested in dating a Latin man (I don’t blame you, by the way), leave this one alone and go find a man that isn’t married.

Let me tell you a little about this K-9 officer:

If he comes off as distant one minute and then attentive the next, you’re probably not really his friend.

If his wife doesn’t know about you, you are definitely not his friend.

If he’s overtly flirtatious with you when he is being attentive, it’s only because you’re probably someone he thinks he could sleep with if he wanted to cheat on his wife.

That’s it!  Question answered!  Bada bing, bada boom!

Forget about trying to figure him out, and try this website on for size:  http://www.latinamericancupid.com/

Maybe you’ll luck out and find a man that looks like Mr. Latin Lover up there.  Ay dios mio.

Sarah,

My boyfriend and I met when I was 14.  I am now 18 and we were together for three years. He was so sweet to me and he was everything I wanted in a boyfriend.  He changed how I viewed myself and made me realize that there are good guys out there.  Now I’m in my senior year and after my first semester we moved in together.  He’s from a traditional Mexican family and he is illegal.  I tried looking past that.

He was the love of my life. After moving in we were very excited but I dropped my family, switched to online school, and left my friends for him. He works in landscaping and his mom said that when he gets home he’s going to be hungry and tired and that I always needed to cater to him.  I tried my best, but school was also important to me.  I tried so hard learning their ways but he would get upset if I didn’t do his laundry or serve him his food. He thought I wasn’t doing anything right and then he just said you’re not trying hard and I have to remind you to do things, I don’t love you.   This was my love of three years.  I keep thinking about him and I found out I was pregnant and now recently found out I might be miscarrying our baby.  He knows and he’s sort of been there, but I feel like everything’s falling apart.  My HCG levels decreased and the doctor told me I might be going through a miscarriage. I don’t feel like living anymore.  I dream about him and cry all the time because this is the guy who promised he’d never hurt me and always be there for me. I don’t know what to do.

First of all, I’m sorry you’re going through all of this.  You’re living a life that most people in their twenties haven’t even lived, and you’re so young to carry such a heavy load.

Your boyfriend and his mother have always lived a very traditional Mexican lifestyle, so when she warned you that this was going to be the lifestyle he expected, she meant it.  The reason it seems difficult for you is because it’s not something you’re accustomed to.  You probably grew up in a very different household where education came first – you weren’t taught to just be a homemaker.  So, it’s totally understandable that they don’t think you’re trying hard enough, even if you think you are.  It’s just not who you are.

The most important thing you can do for yourself is get back in touch with your family and friends.  I’m sure they love you very much and would hate to hear what you’re going through.  You may feel like you’ve dropped them and that they want nothing to do with you, but I would bet that they’re just letting you learn a hard lesson right now.

I know being without your boyfriend is painful, but you’re only making it more painful by focusing on him all the time.  Once you start focusing on your life, you’ll find that the pain will begin to diminish.  It may take time, but you guys have a lot of history, and he’ll come around.  Until he does, focus on your health, go back to school, and get as much support as you can from your family.  If they allow you to move back home, please do it.  At this point in your life, you’re going to need your family more than ever.

I wish the best for you, and please write me and let me know how everything turns out.

“Hope Smiles from the threshold of the year to come,

Whispering ‘it will be happier’…”   -Alfred Tennyson

Sarah, 

I am 51 years old, my husband 55. I have been separated for 1yr 4months.  We met in Dec. 1999, moved in 2001, married in 2004. In 2001 he sent a waitress roses.  I forgave him.  Four months later I found out he was seeing his ex-wife and talking about going back to her.  We were engaged and looking to buy a house. His adult children knew about this and encouraged it. After two months, I gave him yet another chance. From late 2001 to June 2008, everything was good. He has left four times since his stroke in 2008. He lost his ability to speak, but has regained about 20% of his speaking ability. The first time he left, he and his daughter told me to meet them at the park after I got off work. He had loaded his truck and taken more than half of our money in the bank – with his daughter’s help.  Last time he left (the fourth time) was because he was texting a younger girl. Later I found phone numbers of women.  He made a pass at my sister during my father’s fight with brain cancer. He wants to come home, just like the other times.

During our separation, he has flirted with his ex-wife, spent the night at her house (his adult children encouraged it) but nothing happened, according to his grandson. I trust this grandson.  His van got stolen.  Actually, after helping him with his insurance claim, it was reported as unauthorized use of vehicle.  He had picked up two girls and taken them to his motel room. He was staying with his mom, about 35 miles out of town.  I was visiting my grandkids in New Jersey when this happened.  His response to his daughter’s question after being asked, “What do you want for Christmas Dad?” was, “Your mom”.  I have been a faithful wife, until January of 2011. I have paid all the bills since his stroke and about 2/3 of bills before his stroke.  His money is his own.

All these times he has said that he is sorry. We haven’t divorced yet and he wants to come home.  Christmas of 2010 I ran into an old school friend at the supermarket. We have been seeing each other.  He is going through a divorce, and his wife is bi- polar. My old school friend was left with nothing, not even a car. My husband does not know about this friend/boyfriend.  I want a divorce, but now can’t bring myself to tell him, plus I will be losing some of our assets – my security for old age.

I need to hear an objective person’s opinion.  Please reply soon.

Let’s pretend I’m one of your girlfriends, and we’re just hanging out when you tell me this story.  Let’s also pretend that you know me well enough that when I scream this next rant at you, you’re only thinking, “Sarah is just looking out for my best interest.  She’s not trying to offend me or make me angry”.  I’ll try and refrain from waving my finger around during this outburst.

Why don’t you just tell it like it really is?  For eight years you’ve been married to a lying, cheating scumbag who uses you and only comes back into your life when it’s beneficial to him.  He is no good for you.  Honestly, I don’t think he’s good for any woman.  Though I wish you’d done it earlier, it’s time for you to get out of that marriage as soon as possible.  Who cares that he wants to come back home?  It’s only because he’s back in a rut and knows that you’ll take care of him.  All of the times he’s said he’s sorry should mean nothing to you.  They certainly don’t mean a thing to him.

You deserve better than this, and I have a feeling that your current boyfriend has made you feel appreciated and has helped to build the self-esteem your husband stomped all over.  You don’t have to tell your husband anything about your boyfriend.  It’s only going to make him want to leave you immediately or make him want to stay married to you that much more.  I wouldn’t roll the dice on that one.

As far as your financial situation goes, I can’t say either way. You and your boyfriend may struggle for a little bit before you’re back on your feet, but, I’ll tell you what:  The sanity and dignity you’re going to amass from this divorce is probably going to be worth a lot more than any assets you may lose in the process.

I don’t know what’s holding you back from leaving this “man”, but don’t let him come back just because it’s what he wants.  Don’t let him win.  You need to stick up for yourself and start over with someone who wants you around not because of what you can provide him, but because he loves you.

Pull together every bit of strength you have inside yourself and tell him that it’s over.  And mean it!  You know you can do this.